The hardest thing in this word is to live in it.
This quote resonated with me enormously at the time. It always has. It came from a TV show that many of you who know me well might guess. I like the simplicity of it, that it really is sometimes the hardest thing to do, to be in this world and to live in it. To be brave and to be strong. Moving on, I thought there was a couple of things I needed to get out of the way before this page can progress into a more light-hearted version and I can start to share some insights and stories with more humour. The first thing to get out of the way is my diagnoses. My reason for sharing this level of information is to keep this page raw and honest. The journey moving forward would also not be complete without a little context. I have Major Depressive Disorder, Generalised Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, and the real kicker is a personality disorder known as Borderline Personality Disorder. Now please don’t skip ahead and Google BPD. Because the outlook is pretty bleak. A significant number of people with the illnesses I have, come to find out, will successfully commit suicide. My heart sank when I first read that and coupled with what I already face each day, it seemed like an insurmountable mountain I couldn’t possibly climb. One in five people will not make it through this and my chances increase or rather decrease statistically speaking combined with my other illnesses. Quite simply, for me, the hardest thing really in this world is to live in it. Time has not been kind and things for me have worsened over the years, with the result being now having feeling like I have lost everything, a healing time for me to try and address some of the demons stopping me from having any kind of life. I have all the classic symptoms of depression and anxiety, they have become old enemies I have grown to recognise and for the most part fight against them. Almost like an old friend that you want to leave but can’t imagine living without. The BPD and the PTSD are something altogether different. When I was 16 years old I was sexually assaulted in the most violent way possible. It took me 20 years to share that story with my loved ones. I so badly don’t want it to take that long for other people to share their own experiences. My illness seemed to take everything and everyone from me. My friends, my best friends and caused many people to give up trying, which I certainly don’t blame them for. My reasons for sharing this post is to continue to try and try to overcome the shame I feel. The shame I feel I bring to my family, and the overwhelming feeling that nothing will ever change, despite my desperation. At times I feel determination that things will somehow get better, easier, and I can start to see the world as something not as something so malevolent as it feels for me now. At other times, the illness engulfs me, and I simply wish I could close my eyes and never wake up. I write this after spending the night once again in the Hospital. My body bears the scars of the war I am waging, literally. I take to my skin with something sharp to feel something other than the pain and anguish I feel inside my own cruel mind. Every time I look in the mirror I am reminded of the hatred I direct inwards on my own body. The only hope I can have is that by sharing this, just one person won’t feel so alone, so isolated and desperate to fade into obscurity. I am incredibly sorry to the pain I have caused my Mum, my Stepdad and my sister, though they remain unrelenting in their love and support. I have Harvey, who makes me smile and keeps me going as well as the incredible love I have for my Mum, Ray and Michelle. My dream right now is to think of a way to do something, to make a difference in other people’s lives, I just need to figure out a way to do that. This not a post for sympathy, or for anyone to feel sorry for me, but for me to continue to be brutal in my honesty and to find a way to help other people who feel as lost as I do. I will continue to fight; each day is a new battle and it takes all my energy to just get through it. But if I can help just one person not feel so alone then this journey doesn’t feel so lonely and hopeless.
