The Hardest Thing In This World Is To Live In It..... ( a quote from Buffy The Vampire Slayer ) It's a simple quote but one that I have carried with me for over 20 years. For me it describes my struggle perfectly, the hardest thing for me is just existing in this world that I perceive as harsh and unkind to those it considers broken. I use the word exist with intent because I feel more like I exist in the world rather than live in it, at least at the moment.
I feel so many conflicting emotions right now, depression is absolutely overwhelming me and I am scrambling to not fall off the cliff I feel I am standing on the edge of. Part of me is putting on my armour and just going through the motions every day, making everything seem the same, with a silent panic inside that if my armour falls, I will too. The other part of me is in full panic mode, grieving for the life I had only a few short years ago. One where I had work, a purpose to get up in the mornings even though it was difficult. I had friends and interacted with lots of people throughout the day. I lived near the city and could take my dog for a walk in the nicest areas. I had two best friends who I adored. Now all of it is gone. All of it. When I left work I sued my insurance company for the damage to my mental health and won a substantial amount of money, which was amazing, I didn't have to worry about money anymore. But it came at a huge cost. I had left Sydney and moved home with my parents and eventually got my own little place. But everything I had just got stripped away. The friendships that I held so close broke down. My best friend of 17 years ended our friendship via text and wouldn't even agree to meet me to talk. For my BPD this was the absolute worst thing that could happen. I still grieve for it today like it was yesterday.
After the money came through I moved to be closer to my sister, which has been a lifesaver. Words simply can't describe how wonderful and kind she is, how much she has cared for me and looked after me when I have needed her to. But she has four kids and her own life, so I am always aware that they come before me, which they should.
So I feel like I am alone in a raft in the middle of the ocean, looking back at what I had and despite being financially stable, I feel anything but. Loneliness wraps around me in the same way depression does. If you have never truly experienced what it is like to feel totally alone in the world then I envy you. There is a stark difference between being lonely and feeling true loneliness. I had Covid a few weeks ago and had to isolate myself for 7 days. I went the whole week without seeing another person, no one to grab me some food from the store or check in and see how I was doing. It drove home to me that the friends that have stuck it out with me are far away, I don't have anyone that I can just pop over to or can hang out with on a weekend. The idea of finding a partner and experiencing intimacy has long become a foreign idea to me. Apart from the logistics of how to meet someone, how could anyone love me when I don't love myself?
I want to go back to work but I have such enormous roadblocks as far as my self-confidence that I don't know how I could do it. My BPD plays a huge part in my indecision, I flit back and forth feeling empowered to apply for jobs only to feel 10 minutes later that I can't do it. Instead, I follow another BPD characteristic and spend money on things I don't need, or give money away to try and make myself feel better. I have always felt like my "Kyle brain" as I call it, is in there seeing what is going on and is trying so hard to reach me, I can hear it in the distance telling me what the right move is to make only to be consumed by my utter exhaustion that gives in to the power of my illness.
This is the toll that 20 years of battling mental health have taken on me. My confidence in myself has shaken to the very core of me that I don't know who I am anymore. This brings me back to the simple quote "The hardest thing in this world, is to live in it." What I didn't share is that the next part of the quote is "Be brave, Live".