Updated: Feb 20, 2019
The Perfect Storm
Living with multiple diagnoses of Mental Health illnesses is kind of like a weird internal juggling act. It is constantly checking my thoughts, am I depressed? Am I anxious? Or am I just stunned into oblivion and can't discern exactly how I feel. The process is exhausting and takes up a hell of a lot of energy and time, which often leaves me feeling like I am missing out on simple things that I see the rest of the world around me doing. Over time, the toll it has taken on me has become greater and significantly reduced my quality of life. I’ve become something and someone I hardly recognise a great deal of the time. I somehow fell into survival mode and have stayed there, just existing, seeing the world around me turn and not in any way feel part of it anymore.
When I refer to “the perfect storm”, is when all three of my main symptoms come together at the same time. Allow me to explain what I mean by that. Having Major Depressive Disorder, Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder, means that when all three increase in severity, I enter crisis mode and that’s often when I will lose all sense of normality and usually end up doing something destructive to myself, whether that be self-harm (which isn’t limited to actual hurting myself, it can present in many forms) or simply losing the ability to function on a day to day basis. This is usually the time I end up in Hospital or live with the shame that comes with hurting myself, which interestingly can bring relief experiencing physical pain to divert from the emotional turmoil. However, that’s a story for another time.
It is a raging battle on a daily basis at the moment. The storm has come together, and I am only now wading through the remnants of what happened last week. I know so many people must think “why? Why would you deliberately overdose”, is it to try to kill yourself? No, it’s not that simple. It is more about my distress level escalating like the speed of a bullet and just feeling an overwhelming need to escape the pain at the time. Let me be clear, there is a significant difference between suicide ideation and suicidal intent. I have certainly experienced both, but I don’t want to die. I desperately want simple things, like going out with friends, looking forward to something, having a relationship. I don’t want a million dollars, or to be the best in the world at something, I simply want to be part of the world around me, finding enjoyment in things and to be content and happy. Just now, that feels like a dream, so far away I can barely imagine what it would feel like. I have struggled with this for so long, that I actually can't imagine being able to say to someone “I’m happy”. But that’s the goal, to be able to come on this journey, share my experiences and build a village around me.
There is hope and as I've mentioned previously, if by sharing an honest and bare journey that I am on, I may be able to make others feel like they aren’t alone in this war. I am still learning to reach out to people and that is the key. To tear away the shame and take one small step away from the cliff.
Thank you for reading, the one thing you can do to help me is to share this post and my page so I can reach as many people as I can.