I was going to write in my Journal, then thought instead that I would write down how I am feeling as a blog post instead. I needed to get my thoughts and feelings out about how things are just at the moment and to keep things real as I like to do on my website, I decided to write about exactly how depressed and anxious I am feeling, as well as incredibly alone.
Its been a weird few weeks of small ups and then big downs, my doctor has added an extra antidepressant into the mix so I can come off one that is giving me side effects and not really working. So essentially that means I am having the side effects of coming ON to the one, and side effects from coming OFF another one. Its kinda making me crazy, to be honest, and if I hadn't decided to share it here I probably would have ended staring at a blank sheet of paper in my Journal anyway.
Thankfully I still have the mission of this blog still in my mind and that is that it needs to be real and authentic otherwise there would be zero point in continuing on because I assure you there is no financial reward or glory in doing so. But if I write when I feel like this then someone is more likely to relate to it, well that is the hope anyway. So here we go...
For the first time in months, I have had suicidal ideation and self-harm impulses thankfully that I have managed to suppress. I am tired, like all the time, yet I wake up at 5 or 6 at the latest each morning after a night full of vivid dreams. Let me be clear, I am not suicidal, I have just had the one thought I always do and that is, can I run from this forever? In my mind, at times like these its a genuine question, can I keep treading water forever, hoping and hoping that things will get better or will it, and by "it" I mean my illness, catch up with me and overwhelm the life out of me. That thought is like an old friend, always there in the background waiting to break through and have it say.
Sounds dramatic when I write it down, but the constant barrage of negative thoughts coupled with the physical side effects from the medication feels so frustrating because I don't feel like there is anything I can do to help the situation. Depression quite literally sucks the life out of me, I feel guilty because there are things I should or want to be doing. I am constantly worried about money and finances and where my life is going. The medication is making me feel tired like I could sleep for days but can't because of the level of anxiety I am feeling. So I become stuck in the middle of a whole bunch of symptoms being thrown at me all at once. My mind has been gathering evidence to detract from any success I am having with my blog or my excitement that a few people listened to my podcast and replacing it with disappointment at people who haven't commented or "supported" me on Facebook. Of course, when I challenge that thought it isn't reality, well not all of it anyway. I know people don't see things on Facebook, but that little voice in my head is constantly saying "no one cares about what you are doing".
What a lot of people don't realise and I certainly didn't before I started this whole project, is that I work more now than I did when I was back in Sydney working 40 hours a week. Blogging, Youtube, Podcast, trying to whore myself out to sell Candles because I am so broke is like having 3 full-time jobs. I naively went into this thinking "build it and they will come" and to some extent that's true. But a hell of a lot of research, mistakes and learning has gone into it and I still don't make a cent. And unfortunately, that means continuing to put myself out there on Facebook and Social Media and then cross my fingers that something good will happen. It is lucky that I still have the main goal in sight and that was never to make a million dollars, it was and still is to help people like me who find comfort in reading or listening too what someone else is going through and how it relates to their own journey with Mental Health.
So trying to maintain what I have to do every day just to get a few page views, all while I am feeling so zombie-like and struggling my butt off each day just to get through, is hard just now, to say the least.
As the day goes on and I beat myself up for not achieving anything, my depression hands the reigns over to my anxiety which skyrockets into the afternoon and evening. I watch the clock like a hawk waiting until it is an ok time to go to bed and can't enjoy the simplest of things. I am sure a lot of people can relate to those two things crashing into one another. You are left wondering, what came first, the depression or the anxiety, because when they are both through the roof it is like being inside a washing machine, trying to fight off anxiety all the while feeling exhausted and wanting to just sleep.
The other big thing I am really struggling with and have done for a long time now is the feeling of loneliness. The more I have learnt about my illness, especially Borderline Personality Disorder, the more "uh huh!" moments there have been. Whilst it isn't in my nature to blame anyone else for my self imposed isolation, I most certainly do lay the blame at the feet of my illness. I cannot help but think back to a time where even though I struggled with Mental Health, I had a full life, friends, best friends, work and money and now during these low times I can't help but feel it has been stolen from me. This is why my "mission" is so important to me because I wish I had known how to deal with my illness and understand it the way I do now, then I could have possibly prevented so many people eventually just "giving up". I think that is something many people struggle with despite their circumstances, Mental Health steals from you what is essentially your life force, slowly everything can just get stripped away and leave you feeling like you have nothing left anymore. People aren't meant to go days and days without seeing another soul, or years without having a relationship or somebody to love. I am only human and I do resent that a great deal.
I know that it is up to me to move things forward and I will. But I wanted to share with you how things are during a bad time, where many different elements are in play making the situation harder to manage and more overwhelming than usual. I know the "zombie" feeling of the medication will ease and that in itself will be something. There is so much I want to do, so many people I want to help through sharing my own journey and I can only do that authentically and right now, things just really suck. I don't feel just now that I can push through it and do the things I want to do.
But I do wake up every day hopeful that things will become settled and a little easier. I still have that flame burning inside me, it is just right now being overwhelmed by everything else.
So this post was a bit of a rant I know, but bear with me, this is me and this is how things are at the moment. I will keep fighting like I have done every single day for so many years and remain hopeful that I will make some difference in the world. I should thank you, at least now I don't have to worry about putting my thoughts in my journal, so there's a positive!
I totally should have chosen to be a fashion blogger, then I would write about pretty things and watch the money come rolling in. Joke! See I do still have my sense of humour so that is one thing. I have to stay focused and hopeful because once that is lost it is a hard road back.