For me a lot of the time, the overwhelming emotion I feel is often anxiety. I present more of an anxious person than depressed when it comes to physical symptoms. So when I have these times like I am having at the moment, it’s a lot tougher to break through it and actually do something…..well anything at all for that matter.
This is why depression is so dangerous. The creeping feeling of it engulfing you into a world where you are suddenly alone, even in a room full of people. Depression has the incredible ability to silently isolate you inside your own mind. I could sit on the lounge and stare out the window for hours, or the minutes I have already spent staring at this page, thinking “I can’t be bothered”. I haven’t been through a patch like this in a while. All the ideas I had for the week just went by the wayside. I sat amongst an ever growing pile of dishes and laundry just not being able to muster up the strength to get anything done.
When I say this is why depression is so dangerous, it’s because the narrative suddenly changes from anxious inner monologue to a depressive one, and your world closes in to make you feel alone. It’s all too much the time we should be asking for help, but the very nature of the illness tells us not to bother, people are sick of hearing about it, just don’t say anything and try and get through it. When I am like this my whole way of thinking changes, it actually impresses me how much the mind can do. I go into full blown hermit mode and little, if anything gets done or achieved.
I thought when it was suggested to me to write about it, I would sit here for 5 minutes and then go back to watching the world go past without me so I’m surprised I have gotten this far with it. I have always aimed to talk about depression on its own, but had planned to talk more about coming out the other side of it, which in time will happen.
But I did feel it was important to talk about it at a time where I can feel it, I can feel every molecule making me feel tired, thinking about not wanting to bother with dinner and what am I going to do tonight. That’s usually followed by an onslaught of things I “should or could” be doing. Yes there are plenty of healthy things I could do to combat it, but I can’t get the energy together to do any of it. It seems almost lazy if it wasn’t so sinister. I would almost challenge every person who has experienced depression that they have been called “lazy” and just “go for a walk or something”. Yes you feel lazy, which in turn makes you feel more depressed about not getting things done.
I am a little different to other people when they experience depression because of the main feelings and pretty sure its definitely on the “depression check list” is losing joy in things that previous gave you joy. Not to sound melodramatic, but this is a tough one for me because there is very little that brings me true joy. There are things that make things less harsh, or brighten me up, but I have struggled for a long time that the feeling of “joy” almost seems like a no go in the first place. I think this is a time thing, mental health has been at the centre of my life especially in the past 2 years that its been more about “getting by” than anything else. I am confident that will change.
So this is me when I feel depressed, I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to go anywhere, I don’t really want to talk to anyone, I just want to indulge and be alone. And here good people lies the problem. Because all the things I just listed are the things that feed the illness and keep it coming back for more.
We need to recognise, its not ok to not feel like anything can make you smile. Its not ok to sit for a week in your house and feel like your illness is a burden on other people. The mere symptoms of the illness tell us not to get help, to forget what it felt like to feel excited about something, to look forward and plan towards things. It tells us to wrap ourselves up, remove ourselves out of the way of people who are actually “good” at living life, give up fighting.
I need to tell myself this before I can impart it elsewhere, but we DO deserve not just exist in the world, but to be part of it, to laugh love and feel joy in our lives. This is where the hard part is……
But with real support and even writing a stupid blog about feeling depressed it can be done. I know I feel better now than I did at the start of this, so there’s a shout to the person who suggested it.
Im in the fog, I know that, but l also know there are small things I can do to peer through the other side.
Thanks for reading, please like and share this story to let others know that they aren’t alone.
